Breathing is the greatest pleasure in life. ~Giovanni Papini

Since it's Tuesday at 11 pm I only have an hour to write before it is technically Wednesday.....and you know that Wednesday's are wordless! Is it bad that I'm competitive...even with myself? Girls take note, that is one questionable trait that if you inherit it came from me. Any others feel free to blame your Dad, like I do.

So I'm feeling like I need to write tonight because sometimes when I get it all down I can stand back, take a deep breath and let it go.

When I look back at series of events over time I realize most were just stepping stones for others.

Adia is doing very well. Her allergy medication seems to be keeping her asthma from reacting so I feel good about where she's at right now. Aside from the fact she's showing signs of another cold (the 1238797643 one this year!). I'm crossing my fingers. When Royce and I heard her coughing last night on the monitor after we put her to bed both of us looked like we were going to have a panic attack.

Rasa is doing. She's a tough little one. She woke up Saturday morning with a fever and a cough that was mild. We figured virus, increase the nebulizer treatments and we're good. Saturday evening she became listless and we were unable to get her 104 fever to break. After a long conversation with the on call nurse I ended up bringing her to Children's ER (with my Mom, thanks Mom!) while Royce stayed at home to take care of Adia, who I might add was asking repeatedly when Momma and Rasa were going to be home! After a 5 hour stay NOT ONE TEAR (except for mine), an iv, two X-rays, two ephedrine nebulizers, a steroid and antibiotic infusion we were on our way home, from South Minneapolis at 1 am, with a diagnosis of pneumonia. I sent Royce to bed when we got home and Rasa and I partied off and on all night!

Our days since have consisted of lots and lots of oral medications (one of which makes my sweet babe like a loopy mental escapee) lots and lots and LOTS of nebulizer treatments....something like every 3 hours....every 2.5 hours or something? And a fantastic case of diarrhea (thank you amoxicilian) and very little sleep but that is nothing new! We are all coping just fine....except for poor Rasa who is in hell right now! To top it off tonight she was feeling better than she has been and today was a warm day so we strolled her and Adia to the park where she fell and split open her lip..blood everywhere! Lots of tears and a long and hard 2 mile walk for Royce who had to carry her all the way home. Kid can't catch a break. Well Royce's odds aren't great either.

The most overwhelming part of our weekend is the aftershock that it creates for Royce and I with wondering what is going on with Rasa and Adia. The uneasiness we feel and the questioning and seconding guessing we keep doing. With Rasa's episode it was terrifying because she wasn't exhibiting any cold symptoms prior and she wasn't exhibiting any breathing distress yet when we got to ER her left lung was closed up and the right was in distress. Um SCARY! The fact that I could have missed it and had a blue lipped baby in my arms. Or the fact that Im racking my brain wondering if there was a sign I missed (I'm a mom and of course it has to be all of my fault!). Or the fact that every time I see a stuffed animal or doll, dust anywhere or a dog hair I wonder...what if it's that! What if that is causing these asthma attacks!

So I'm tired and I'm overwhelmed and I want to find some beautiful thing beneath it all and that's why I'm writing tonight. I'm writing because sometimes only I can give myself peace. It's like working on a painting and stepping back a few feet to look at it as a whole because only then are you able to see how things really look. And it's working for me tonight because as weary as I feel my heart is still overflowing with hope and love for my little girls. The comfort and familiarity my love for them gives me and knowing that even when I'm tired....so so very tired, that I can dig deeper because its for them.