So I admit the header is a little poke at myself but really I've been thinking about this blog and how I've always planned on it being for Rasa and Adia. I thought it would be fun for them to hear how they grew, what they did when and to paint a picture of my deep love for each of them. I also want it to be honest and it's been a growing experience for me so to say it's just for Rasa and Adia isn't entirely true.
Ok well with that being said I'm getting a lot of this:
and this lately:
One of my friends who has a four year old said a few months back, "I have no idea how to parent my four year old!". I know exactly how she's feeling! I have no idea how to parent my two year olds at times and while love might be "all you need" it wont keep them alive! Nothing gives me the purest joy than when my girls are happy, absolutely nothing in the world but the truth is that they can't be happy all the time because if they were then I would be failing them as their Momma.
Adia, oh Adia. She gets a lot of attention wherever we go because she's cute and has these big blue eyes that match her big blond curls. She flashes a smile at the same time she bats her eyes all while tucking her cheek into her shoulder. Its a lie. She is not shy and actually as sweet as she looks she acts more like a pit-bull. Don't get me wrong she will crawl on your lap and rub your chest and hug and kiss you too but most of the time she's literally spring boarding off the walls and taking pleasure in making Rasa cry. She is fun and she is hilarious but she is also very spirited and vocal! She can scream so loud it leaves your ears ringing for an hour.
I don't want to break her spirit, I just want to rein it in a little. I don't want to keep her confined, I just want to keep her safe.
Rasa Bea. She is my wise classic beauty who is as deep as her dark blue eyes. Rasa is one part baby kangaroo one part wild horse. She wants to be held and cradled and then wants to run free away from me to explore her own world. She enforces all of the rules and will physically correct Adia. After reading about Adia you can imagine how well that goes over. Rasa is wise and sweet. She is also extremely dramatic to the extent of being brought to tears about twice every ten minutes. There are a lot of tears. There are a lot of tears. There are a lot of tears.
I don't want her to be a follower, I just want her to know when to lead. I don't want her not to be really sensitive, I just want her to be strong too.
I wanted to be so much better than I am as a Mom. I wanted to be relaxed all the time and not on edge. I wanted to be peaceful and not having to bark orders left and right. I wanted to laugh more than I screamed and to play more than I had to referee. I worry what if this is as good as I can be? What if this is as good as I get?
I remind myself that it doesn't matter how many parenting books I pour through, it will never be there. The secret answer that tells me exactly what to do. When they are babies and all you need to do is pick them up, hold them, nurse and change them, it's so easy to feel like you are giving them the best of everything. There is no single best way for children. You will likely learn what the best way is after you already did it the wrong way.
The only thing I can come up with is do it with love, when you realize you're wrong (because you'll be wrong more than you will be right) admit it and try a different approach, if it doesn't feel right it isn't and when you feel like you can't muster up the endurance to try yet another approach remember that someday they will likely have kids of their own who will torture them in the same manner :)
God help us all.