Time seemed to sit still for me for about a year. The girls were getting bigger but our lives seemed to stay the same. Staying home with them hasn't been easy. Some days are just plain painful.
From toddlerhood to preschool aged brings new challenges more frustrating than ever before and once again Royce and I find ourselves clueless, trying to create new ways to deal with behavior and also trying to continue to live in the moment and enjoy the girls at every age and stage.
I've been fighting feelings of really wanting to work more and have the girls in daycare part time. Working from home and staying home full time during the week made things harder. I felt less of a Mom and more frustrated trying to balance out getting work done and prioritizing my families needs. I kept thinking to myself, I can't wait for school to start. I feel a little guilty that this fall passed us by with me having too much work and not enough time to spend cherishing the excitement of new experiences that has always recharged my mommmy battery.
Then it hit me: this is my last year full time with my kids. Free to do as we please whatever day we want to. Knowing that school is just around the corner and it will be so much different as we shift from home life to school life. I have regret. A lot of it. I wish I would have had endless amounts of patience and creativity. Why didn't I do more of this or that with them when I had the chance, etc. Why can't I be perfect. They deserve that. I know it's not real but it doesn't make me want it any less.
We did kindergarten screening two weeks ago and then decided one day a week school would be good for them. It would give them the opportunity to be away from me. To experience new things, new kids, new learning experiences. To grow and be confident, to push them a little outside of their comfort zones and in return fill them with the confidence they need right now to know they can do it. I'm so happy we are doing this. Rasa, especially, has just shined and we've watched her in two weeks turn from a timid little mouse to an outgoing happy girl that is even more eager than ever to show us what she's capable of. Adia has been a little reluctant. Wanting to be held more. Wanting to talk more about when she was a baby. I'm watching her closely, picking her up more and telling her how proud I am of her.
Today the girls, my Mom and I toured our first choice for PreK. It's a wonderful wonderful school in the Seward neighborhood with two amazing teachers and a classroom that's both Montessori and has a warm Waldorf feel and practices. Exactly what we dreamed of for the girls. Such an easy transition from the home to school. Originally I thought we would do two days a week but after talking to the teachers today they think they should do three days minimum because of their age (because of them having winter birthday's they'll be some of the older kids in the class when in school). Whoa. Three days of school a week huh. They're not my babies anymore. They're going to be school kids.
We have selected our first choice for Kindergarten and it's five days a week so it makes sense to have them in PreK three days. My mind can't even wrap around the thought of shipping them off to school every day of the week but I have a feeling they'll be ready for it, and if they're not we'll find a place that suites them better.
I'm excited for them! I really am but maybe the overwhelming feeling I'm having is a loss for myself. I'm not a helicopter parent. I don't want to hold my kids hands in college or anything like that. I just didn't expect time to go this quickly. I truly believed that if I forced myself to live in the moment with them I wouldn't feel a loss for them as they grew. I do though. You never dream the things that drive you crazy and seem so painful are the things that you're going to miss. I hated having to rock the girls to sleep every night until they were 2. I wanted them to go to bed, lay down and just sleep! Every night we spent two hours getting them to sleep! Now I cry a little every time I think about it because I would do just about anything to sit in their room in the quiet night and hold them, sing and rock them safely and sweetly off to sleep.